Starting over is not easy to do. No one would look forward to it, or enjoy it. It is literally one of the hardest things a person can do. Leaving what they have, and know behind, to start fresh. You start over with nothing - or next to nothing. You have to clean your slate and start again. That means you have to fight to find yourself, to support yourself, to dig yourself out from where you were.
Starting over is hard. So hard. And so much work. And when I started over I was about to have a baby. Talk about stress.
It was a really rough time. I was scared all the time, that I wasn't going to be able to make it on my own, that I didn't know who I was without him, that I wouldn't survive, that he would find me, that I would disappoint my child, that we would have to go without and struggle to constantly get by.
There were so many things that weighed heavy on mind. So many things that threatened to swallow me up, so ensure I failed, to break me.
It was the biggest struggle I have ever had to face in my life, filled with so many emotions, all the fear, the unknown, the instability. I was at the bottom, and I didn't know if I could make it back to the top when I couldn't even see it.
It was a really emotional time for me, I was given the chance to do some self reflection, and man I definitely didn't like the answers and thoughts I was coming up with. I practically hated myself for what I had put myself through, the situation I was in, and what I was bringing my son into.
It was a very dark time for me. VERY dark and unhappy. I was not in a good place.
There is no manual to help you, no step by step instructions, nothing that can help guide you through it. The advice of others can only go so far, or help so much. But the support of them is and was fundamental to the life I was trying to life, the betterment I wanted to achieve. The safety and stability I wanted for my son. Without that support I probably wouldn't have put my big girl panties on, and gotten to work!
I started over with little to nothing. A few things in storage, a new baby, and little to no income. I spent time at a women's shelter, before finally finding an apartment that I thought could be home - until he found us. And an emergency move was needed.
I lost more things in that move, it was like the 6 months I spent trying to build a life and a home hadn't even happened. It's taken me years to get stable, to get my house in order, to sort out my feelings, and to start living my life again. It's taken me 8 years to accept the decisions I'd made, to come to terms with the life I am leading now, and the life that I left behind.
It's taken me 8 years to fight my demons, to stop hating myself, to stop doubting myself and second guessing myself, to accept what life has to offer me.
It's taken me 8 years to enjoy the little things, to stop stressing over everything -especially those things that I have no control over.
It's taken me 8 years to fully enjoy my precious time with my son, to enjoy the little moments, to enjoy the world and the life that I have.
It has taken me 8 years to breathe easier, to feel stronger, and to believe in myself. To try new things, enjoy new opportunities, and make changes in my life I was to afraid to make before.
It has taken 8 years of ups and downs, loss and gains, heartache, and many lessons to trust again, to love again, to believe in myself again, to be me again.
Starting over is hard. But in the end, I became a better me. A stronger, more determined me. A me that I like, that I'm willing to mold into something better, to growth with and to accept no matter what.
I know I'm far from perfect, and I know that I would not be the person that I am now if I hadn't made certain decision in my life. Had I not had the experiences I went through. Had I not suffered and persevered.
I finally free, confident and happy.
I finally like the me that I have become. I don't regret the choices I made in the past, the situations I was in, the struggles I faced. I am a better person, and mother, because of them.
I am strong. I am me.
And I wouldn't change what I have now for anything in the world.